Nov 25, 2023·edited Nov 25, 2023Liked by Nikki Osman
It seems like it's an outgrowth of the insane concern with productivity and achievement. I lose count every day of the number of self-"help" articles I skip here and on Medium, all screaming at me that they can make me more "productive" and "successful," that I can "achieve" so much more. More. More! MORE!
If we let that get to us then it should be no surprise if we start trying to make our hang-out time "productive." Yet that concern seems antithetical to the concept of hanging out. Can't we set aside some small space of happiness in our lives, safe from the ceaseless demands of late stage capitalism?
I'm fortunate that I was able to retire in reasonable comfort. By some lights my retirement is a failure because I'm not touring the world or climbing Mt. Everest. What would I do up there? Take a nap? I'm happy where I am so why should I knock myself out traveling?
This is it. I am encouraged by this kind of vision of retirement from someone happily working in my 30s. I mourn how my generation is obsessed with producing more. It occurs to me how important Sabbath is for resisting that kind of slavery, which is always connected to the racial question too of what and who produces. Thank you. America is enslaved, as JBR notes just below.
You're describing (in my opinion), an American phenomenon. There's always a potentially critical message on the phone, or headline, or a report due, or deadline. . . . May I suggest a walk down Acropolis Street in Greece. Blocks from the ancient Acropolis are many, happy, relaxed people. Knowing they've been there for over 2 thousand years and will probably make it for at least another thousand. Relaxed. Happy. Appreciating the very best of life: great food, probably family, great friends, a great environment, and perhaps most of all, great perspective. "Let's forget about Domani. Live for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself."
Okay, I'm going to take a skewed view of hanging out. In the "old days", (I'm 80) we used to stop work or visit to smoke and drink, two activities that have significantly decreased. In on e Steinbeck story he relates how a new union organizer had to start smoking so he could sit with the workers during breaks and be a "buddy" and gain trust. I started smoking at 17 as a social activity after football practice at the local A & W Root beer stand. Everyone slowed down and wasted time huffing and puffing while getting an nicotine high. Drinking? Just see the old movie, The Apartment" with Jack Lemon and Shirley McLane during Christmas. Taverns were social clubs where one found friends while whiling away time. I've been to many, many drinking parties and all were extremely "social-able". Narcotic drugs, including pot, are anti social-able where one drops out into their "own world".
I'm not promoting smoking or drinking and currently do neither. I'm just pointing out a society change not a judgement call.
When my kids were small and they were slowly experiencing life or taking forever to put shoes on, I used to repeat to myself (sometimes out loud) "there is no where to go. there is nothing to do." I was trying to slow down time to their speed to see the world as they did. I rarely succeeded. Trying to slow down time for friends accepts that time together is the whole point
What a beautiful sentiment! I think I’ve definitely been guilty of letting productivity infect my time with friends, which utterly defeats the point. Also two excellent phrases that I could do with putting on a mug...
Boy, does this resonate with me! Last week I had lunch with a work friend who I had shared a house with for two months, 29 years prior. In the years between despite working in the same organisation we only occasionally crossed paths. We worked in different locations, doing work which rarely connected us.
But we are both retired now, so there is now “ time” freed up for us both.
Yes, we were FB Friends but... conversations by screen are generally short & shallow by necessity. We both like to travel so I invited my “ friend” to lunch. We had the best time... yes, catching up, travel talking etc but the best bit was “ the hanging out”. We left the cafe after 2 1/2 hours, only because they needed to close up.
On the next bunch of cooler days, we aim to walk her dogs somewhere we haven’t been for a while, and have coffee afterwards.
Hanging out has a high level of satisfaction attached to it. Social media is no substitute.
I've always known that I need a slower pace in life, leaving lots of open space to let my day "breathe." But I find my ability to "hang out" is directly impacted by the lack of my friends' ability to "hang out" and I really don't know what to do about it. I can't unschedule others, and it's sad.
You’re so right with this observation! I’ve felt pressure to do more some times because my other friends are all ruled by their calendars and nap time alarms
This is so true Stephanie. I find myself in a bind when it comes to ad hoc hanging out v organised socialising. A couple of my friends are brilliant at organising things and herding people together to do stuff, it's critical to our friendship group to have someone that chases and puts things in place. Whereas we live too far away to just hang out. I guess this is the crux of the problem 🤷♂️
Paraphrase— Research shows that interactions with others form magic. Hmm. This reminds me of when my twins were born premature and the nurses in the NICU said that science has proven that holding your baby is good for them. Yeah. I got the instinctual mom memo. Thx.
When my kids were little they had “play dates.” When I was little I hung out with friends who lived on my street. Is it generational? Cultural? Or is social media to blame for the demise of the hang out?
I love that this article analyzes this phenomenon.
Every long distance move to a different part of a state different state/ country will tend to break tight connections. I have lived in 5 different states but being a musician, I have made new friends in each.
Excellent piece! As someone who has delved deep into ideas surrounding mindfulness, it’s really relieving to see a discussion on mindfulness as it applies to friendships. It’s so easy to get lost in the sauce of the workday, forgetting to give proper time to your relationships. Life is a balancing act and friendships are no different. We’ll done :)
Thanks for this. I write a newsletter for over 50 males from an over 50 male perspective and loneliness is a common theme among them. It is hard for men to make new friends as they age for a variety of reasons that are too long and detailed to go into here but keeping attachments with existing friends, often through “hanging out” becomes that much more important. I’d like to include a link to this for my readers if you wouldn’t mind?
I spend more time thinking about friendship than I spend hanging out with my friends. Many (most?) of us are geographically spread out and it’s rare that we get to see each other in person. I have local friends that I see occasionally and always feel like I should make more of an effort to get together more often. Not out of guilt, just that I know it’s something that would make me happier if I did it. At the same time, I feel like I don’t spend enough time in my studio. Again, not out of guilt...I DON’T spend enough time painting and doing all of the things that go along with running an art business. And there’s my husband and son who I want to spend time with. And I’m an introvert so I need my on downtime and alone time. It feels like it’s all a lot to balance.
Thank you for this! It's been on my mind for awhile and was brought home to me when I went on a trip this summer and spent most of it hanging out with old friends (see https://flowerchild.substack.com/p/the-best-friends-are-the-ones-we). It shouldn't require being on vacation for this to happen, but it's tricky, especially when people don't live in close proximity.
Nikki, this is such a good reminder. I am so pulled in two directions--the meandering and the controlled. In the past few years, the balance has become increasingly off, with the latter taking higher and higher precedence. A sense of having not yet accomplished enough, not yet prepared enough for the future, and all the incumbent to-dos is, I think, most responsible for that imbalance. This post is a nudge toward balance, toward a redefinition of “accomplished” and “prepared for the future.”
Thank you! And yes, very much so. A friend just voicenoted me actually to say the two things that have helped slow her social life down are being on mat leave and moving back in with her parents in north London suburbia where she bumps into NCT pals every day.
Such great analysis on this subject which I think about so often being that our lifestyles have changed so. I’m afraid our ease of travel, our family life, all our access and the bombardments, the diversions of this age and time, I’m afraid we’re screwed.
Thank you! I agree it’s overwhelming. But I think just knowing how hard everyone is finding it maybe helps us become a bit more intentional about connection? I don’t know. I live in hope!
Good piece - and indirectly, food for thought on how it used to be before we were permanently connected to each other. If you want a wider sociological angle on not just hanging out, but simply the everyday aspects of unconnected life, why not take a look at my new book, LIFE BEFORE THE INTERNET?
It seems like it's an outgrowth of the insane concern with productivity and achievement. I lose count every day of the number of self-"help" articles I skip here and on Medium, all screaming at me that they can make me more "productive" and "successful," that I can "achieve" so much more. More. More! MORE!
If we let that get to us then it should be no surprise if we start trying to make our hang-out time "productive." Yet that concern seems antithetical to the concept of hanging out. Can't we set aside some small space of happiness in our lives, safe from the ceaseless demands of late stage capitalism?
I'm fortunate that I was able to retire in reasonable comfort. By some lights my retirement is a failure because I'm not touring the world or climbing Mt. Everest. What would I do up there? Take a nap? I'm happy where I am so why should I knock myself out traveling?
This is it. I am encouraged by this kind of vision of retirement from someone happily working in my 30s. I mourn how my generation is obsessed with producing more. It occurs to me how important Sabbath is for resisting that kind of slavery, which is always connected to the racial question too of what and who produces. Thank you. America is enslaved, as JBR notes just below.
You're describing (in my opinion), an American phenomenon. There's always a potentially critical message on the phone, or headline, or a report due, or deadline. . . . May I suggest a walk down Acropolis Street in Greece. Blocks from the ancient Acropolis are many, happy, relaxed people. Knowing they've been there for over 2 thousand years and will probably make it for at least another thousand. Relaxed. Happy. Appreciating the very best of life: great food, probably family, great friends, a great environment, and perhaps most of all, great perspective. "Let's forget about Domani. Live for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself."
Okay, I'm going to take a skewed view of hanging out. In the "old days", (I'm 80) we used to stop work or visit to smoke and drink, two activities that have significantly decreased. In on e Steinbeck story he relates how a new union organizer had to start smoking so he could sit with the workers during breaks and be a "buddy" and gain trust. I started smoking at 17 as a social activity after football practice at the local A & W Root beer stand. Everyone slowed down and wasted time huffing and puffing while getting an nicotine high. Drinking? Just see the old movie, The Apartment" with Jack Lemon and Shirley McLane during Christmas. Taverns were social clubs where one found friends while whiling away time. I've been to many, many drinking parties and all were extremely "social-able". Narcotic drugs, including pot, are anti social-able where one drops out into their "own world".
I'm not promoting smoking or drinking and currently do neither. I'm just pointing out a society change not a judgement call.
When my kids were small and they were slowly experiencing life or taking forever to put shoes on, I used to repeat to myself (sometimes out loud) "there is no where to go. there is nothing to do." I was trying to slow down time to their speed to see the world as they did. I rarely succeeded. Trying to slow down time for friends accepts that time together is the whole point
What a beautiful sentiment! I think I’ve definitely been guilty of letting productivity infect my time with friends, which utterly defeats the point. Also two excellent phrases that I could do with putting on a mug...
Boy, does this resonate with me! Last week I had lunch with a work friend who I had shared a house with for two months, 29 years prior. In the years between despite working in the same organisation we only occasionally crossed paths. We worked in different locations, doing work which rarely connected us.
But we are both retired now, so there is now “ time” freed up for us both.
Yes, we were FB Friends but... conversations by screen are generally short & shallow by necessity. We both like to travel so I invited my “ friend” to lunch. We had the best time... yes, catching up, travel talking etc but the best bit was “ the hanging out”. We left the cafe after 2 1/2 hours, only because they needed to close up.
On the next bunch of cooler days, we aim to walk her dogs somewhere we haven’t been for a while, and have coffee afterwards.
Hanging out has a high level of satisfaction attached to it. Social media is no substitute.
I've always known that I need a slower pace in life, leaving lots of open space to let my day "breathe." But I find my ability to "hang out" is directly impacted by the lack of my friends' ability to "hang out" and I really don't know what to do about it. I can't unschedule others, and it's sad.
You’re so right with this observation! I’ve felt pressure to do more some times because my other friends are all ruled by their calendars and nap time alarms
This is so true Stephanie. I find myself in a bind when it comes to ad hoc hanging out v organised socialising. A couple of my friends are brilliant at organising things and herding people together to do stuff, it's critical to our friendship group to have someone that chases and puts things in place. Whereas we live too far away to just hang out. I guess this is the crux of the problem 🤷♂️
Paraphrase— Research shows that interactions with others form magic. Hmm. This reminds me of when my twins were born premature and the nurses in the NICU said that science has proven that holding your baby is good for them. Yeah. I got the instinctual mom memo. Thx.
When my kids were little they had “play dates.” When I was little I hung out with friends who lived on my street. Is it generational? Cultural? Or is social media to blame for the demise of the hang out?
I love that this article analyzes this phenomenon.
Every long distance move to a different part of a state different state/ country will tend to break tight connections. I have lived in 5 different states but being a musician, I have made new friends in each.
Excellent piece! As someone who has delved deep into ideas surrounding mindfulness, it’s really relieving to see a discussion on mindfulness as it applies to friendships. It’s so easy to get lost in the sauce of the workday, forgetting to give proper time to your relationships. Life is a balancing act and friendships are no different. We’ll done :)
Thanks for this. I write a newsletter for over 50 males from an over 50 male perspective and loneliness is a common theme among them. It is hard for men to make new friends as they age for a variety of reasons that are too long and detailed to go into here but keeping attachments with existing friends, often through “hanging out” becomes that much more important. I’d like to include a link to this for my readers if you wouldn’t mind?
I spend more time thinking about friendship than I spend hanging out with my friends. Many (most?) of us are geographically spread out and it’s rare that we get to see each other in person. I have local friends that I see occasionally and always feel like I should make more of an effort to get together more often. Not out of guilt, just that I know it’s something that would make me happier if I did it. At the same time, I feel like I don’t spend enough time in my studio. Again, not out of guilt...I DON’T spend enough time painting and doing all of the things that go along with running an art business. And there’s my husband and son who I want to spend time with. And I’m an introvert so I need my on downtime and alone time. It feels like it’s all a lot to balance.
Thank you for this! It's been on my mind for awhile and was brought home to me when I went on a trip this summer and spent most of it hanging out with old friends (see https://flowerchild.substack.com/p/the-best-friends-are-the-ones-we). It shouldn't require being on vacation for this to happen, but it's tricky, especially when people don't live in close proximity.
Nikki, this is such a good reminder. I am so pulled in two directions--the meandering and the controlled. In the past few years, the balance has become increasingly off, with the latter taking higher and higher precedence. A sense of having not yet accomplished enough, not yet prepared enough for the future, and all the incumbent to-dos is, I think, most responsible for that imbalance. This post is a nudge toward balance, toward a redefinition of “accomplished” and “prepared for the future.”
Enjoyed!
I think my suburban pals do still hang out like this, especially non-parents, so maybe city pace/public transport plays its part, too.
Thank you! And yes, very much so. A friend just voicenoted me actually to say the two things that have helped slow her social life down are being on mat leave and moving back in with her parents in north London suburbia where she bumps into NCT pals every day.
Such great analysis on this subject which I think about so often being that our lifestyles have changed so. I’m afraid our ease of travel, our family life, all our access and the bombardments, the diversions of this age and time, I’m afraid we’re screwed.
Thank you! I agree it’s overwhelming. But I think just knowing how hard everyone is finding it maybe helps us become a bit more intentional about connection? I don’t know. I live in hope!
I related to this so much! Thank you for speaking to my heart and shaking it a bit ... in a great, needed way.
Good piece - and indirectly, food for thought on how it used to be before we were permanently connected to each other. If you want a wider sociological angle on not just hanging out, but simply the everyday aspects of unconnected life, why not take a look at my new book, LIFE BEFORE THE INTERNET?